gratitude

A few years back I tried to embrace an Oprahesque thing and read from this book an entry on gratitude every day and write about something I am grateful for everyday.

http://www.simpleabundance.com/gratitude_journal.html

For a while I enjoyed it, but too often I found myself wrestling with the apparently saccharine notion of the day.  Sure, I am all about Elvis Costello's "peace, love and understanding," but every day I started to argue with what I perceived as the oversimplified.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WWp67DsTk4&feature=related

I was arguing with myself about an idea I could ignore.

This says something about me.  Perhaps nothing positive.

But, I stuck with it for a while because in my heart I believed gratitude was simple.  Something small which may not be a life changer but which makes every living more.  More alive, more free, more available. 

This year, as I contemplated the end of the year and any changes I wanted to make to improve myself, I contemplated a 365 project. 

http://makesomething365.blogspot.com/

They are sort of the rage but I liked the simpleness of trying to one thing every day that I chose to do.  I thought about blogging, I thought about gratitude journaling again -- sans agruments, I thought about mediation, photos, drawing, waking each day to a certain song, exercising, and eating well.  I wanted something that I could do every day and not the first month or two.

I decided to join some friends and do a Biggest Loser contest.  For the first 20 days, I joined some other friends, and we committed to each other online a support system to eat healthily.  It was great.  Folks would chime in when the day was rough or with recipes or what not.  I lost a few pounds and felt like I was doing something for me.  In honesty, we are still working together.  Some of us more successful than others but together which is nice.

But, then, my kids' health issues became something I had to pay attention to every day and planning my next salad or steamed shrimp seemed impossible.

They have become a 365, although I am fairly sure they already had that place in my life, and prompted me to write again -- not well or clearly -- but I am grateful for the catharsis from the writing and the ease with which I can disseminate information to our friends.

I spent most of my childhood and all my education writing.  Learning to write, learning to write better, to find a voice, to convey knowledge, to pass comps, to get into grad school, to learn about how to teach writing, to observe and assess writing, to write more, and so on. 

And, did I write letters!  Back in the day when long distance was expensive, and cell phones were huge monstrosities in movies, I wrote copious letters to every friend or family member I had.  William and I spent the first three plus years of our courtship in different cities, and we wrote letters and cards all the time.  We could not afford calling every night.  I remember being psyched when it was only $0.10 minute.

When the kids were in preschool, I spent a year penning the monthly newsletter.  Nothing fancy and nothing profound, but fun. For the last few years teaching Frazer I have learned how to parse language down the to the most basic of blocks (syllable patterns) and then build it up. 

But other than occasional notes and emails for SRA,  I have not written much in a while.  I had forgotten how much I enjoyed processing life through words.  Some folks see images or buildings or races or colors, I think in words and feelings.  

Blogging is still relatively unknown to me.  I follow a few but I don't scan the horizon looking for cool things.  I wish.  But it is a new media.  My father is techno savvy so he understands blogging, but it has been something that Will's folks and my mother don't know.  I am not sure they appreciate the nature of it. 

Ultimately, it has linked me to so many friends.

And that is what I am grateful for.  Truly.  In the last month, the struggles have not been limited to Houlder and Frazer but their needs have taken a precedent.  Dell did not stop being Dell.  Porter did not stop being Porter.

What has made this all so much more bearable is the gifts that have been delivered to a blue cooler near our back gate.  Flowers, cards, phone calls, emails, prayers, hugs.

The simple things for which one can be grateful.

For our friend who came by last week who brought a special healing tea she had gotten in Japan.  She searched her house and found it.  Three years ago she had brought it back form her first trip to Japan as memory of that great visit, and she shared her story and had Houlder drink it.

Healing tea from Japan

For all of Houlder's teachers who check in and want to know if they can visit and how he is -- the person not the student.

For our pediatrician.  He is wonderful.  Even on his vacations he was making phone calls on behalf of Houlder.

For my sweet friend who organized these meals and the delightful cake with gummy worms and a butterfly ballooning coming out of it.

Gummy worm cake -- delicious

For the friends who share flowers like these peonies.  A little beauty does the soul good.

stellar peonies

For the friend who calls and listens when I lose it and cry. 

For the friend who dropped a book by.

For the friend who has a play a date for Porter almost every week.

For the friend who shows up unannounced because she wants to make sure that we are okay.

For the friends who take Frazer places so that I can be with Houlder. 

For the friends who volunteer to help do anything.

For the friends who share their stories and their ideas. 

For the friend who we will stay with in Bethesda instead of hotel.  She would not have it any other way.

For the dads who sat with Houlder at the cookout last week talking about old movies and man things.

For the teenage boys who have connected with Houlder via chatting or texting or visiting. 

For my friends who pick up my kids at school -- almost weekly.

The list goes on endlessly.

I have mentioned before this is an Odyssey.  A friend emailed me to keep the faith.  She is right.  There is a certain amount of faith that one has. I am not talking about God, but that matters to me.  I think she means the faith that it will turn out okay.  That we can solve this dilemma.  That we will reclaim life. 

But only with the help of friends who have been willing to drudge through blather and errors and fears. 

I won't argue with the damn simplicity of gratitude anymore.  I got the message universe.

Thank you.