Writer philosophers have wrangled with the messy continuum, to borrow from Heller, The Catch-22.
I wonder what we know. How do we know? Is it cellular? Molecular? Theta waves? Beta Waves? Sensory? Memory? Is there a tipping point to borrow from Gladwell or instinct to borrow from Mother Nature? And what did we know first, did it come first and does first even matter?
If I meet someone who is sure, can I suspend my doubt long enough to believe in their potentiality?
These are my thoughts on the plane, at a stop light, in the middle of the night.
Many people trying to figure it out, to theorize, to order, to profess the way. Why do I feel as if I know less?
Almost two years ago an unexpected ER visit for Frazer led to the expansion my blog to include health updates on Frazer and then Houlder. It became a great vehicle to receive wonderful help and kindness from so many.
I struggled to control my rage with my inability to find anyone who could help Houlder. Every time I thought I had a hold on Frazer and where we were headed, a strong gale blew us on a different path.
Most people who have so kindly held me up and said that they could not have done it, don't realize that they too would have fought.
We lucked out in Minnesota at the Mayo Clinic. Houlder and then Frazer received validating and empirical care. We -- all of us -- realize what a privledge it has been to be able to continue on and try to find a definitive answer.
Something to believe in.
A conviction.
The twist, to pick one thing, means that you are eschewing another. I tend to expect the sun will come up tomorrow and that a falling tree makes noise even if I don't know conclusively that the sun will rise and hear the tree make noise.
Maybe it is age. Maybe it is me.
Maybe.
That's the dilemma.
Or not.
We are visiting Mayo and staying at Ronald McDonald House until next week for check ups, follow ups and some testing.
Houlder is basically a great poster kid for the PRC treatment he did last year. Yet, he has had a non-stop headache for over 2 plus years.
Apparently people sometimes just have to live like this.
Frazer has grown 1.25 inches since August which is massive for him and exciting as his thirteenth birthday is a couple of weeks away. 4 feet 4 inches 56 pound --13 year old boy.
Apparently people sometimes can change their lives.
These doctors know a ton, are curious and explore, and I hear their best protocol and plan but the nagging voice in my head also hears that there is more to know.
I have tried not to be too rigid in thinking about life. I have tried to embrace all different expressions of ideas. I have tried to experience what I have not known.
We still have explorations while we are here but most point to a wait and see approach. An approach in which I accept but rebel.
The past two years have been filled with emotions. With unknown intuitions and persistence. With friends and love. With thoughts magnanimous and those that were not.
I laugh through the struggles because it holds me closer to those whom I love and keeps my heart more in touch with joy than wallowing in the weeds. The weeds often have appeal but I don't want to be there.
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| Flying out on New Year's Eve |
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| otherwise known as mom's birthday |
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| hot tub boy |
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| bit of temp adjustment |
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| brothers and friends |
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| more Dr. who |
