Chicken or Egg

I find confronting conviction challenging which differs from my enjoyment of healthy opposing opinions.  Refuting base beliefs whether founded on Wheel of Fortune, someone looking into a funny hat, or a homeless man who believes he is three people in one is nearly impossible.   What stimulates  absolute faith that stirs the vitriol in others is not always religious. 

Writer philosophers have wrangled with the messy continuum, to borrow from Heller, The Catch-22. 

I wonder what we know.  How do we know?  Is it cellular?  Molecular? Theta waves? Beta Waves? Sensory? Memory?   Is there a tipping point to borrow from Gladwell or instinct to borrow from Mother Nature?  And what did we know first, did it come first and does first even matter?

If I meet someone who is sure, can I suspend my doubt long enough to believe in their potentiality?

These are my thoughts on the plane, at a stop light, in the middle of the night.

Many people trying to figure it out, to theorize, to order, to profess the way.  Why do I feel as if I know less?

Almost two years ago an unexpected ER visit for Frazer led to the expansion my blog to include health updates on Frazer and then Houlder.  It became a great vehicle to receive wonderful help and kindness from so many.

I struggled to control my rage with my inability to find anyone who could help Houlder.  Every time I thought I had a hold on Frazer and where we were headed, a strong gale blew us on a different path. 

Most people who have so kindly held me up and said that they could not have done it, don't realize that they too would have fought.

We lucked out in Minnesota at the Mayo Clinic.  Houlder and then Frazer received validating and empirical care.  We -- all of us -- realize what a privledge it has been to be able to continue on and try to find a definitive answer.

Something to believe in.

A conviction.

The twist, to pick one thing, means that you are eschewing another.  I tend to expect the sun will come up tomorrow and that a falling tree makes noise even if I don't know conclusively that the sun will rise and hear the tree make noise.

Maybe it is age.  Maybe it is me. 

Maybe.

That's the dilemma.

Or not.

We are visiting Mayo and staying at Ronald McDonald House until next week for check ups, follow ups and some testing. 

Houlder is basically a great poster kid for the PRC treatment he did last year.  Yet, he has had a non-stop headache for over 2 plus years.

Apparently people sometimes just have to live like this.

Frazer has grown 1.25 inches since August which is massive for him and exciting as his thirteenth birthday is a couple of weeks away. 4 feet 4 inches 56 pound --13 year old boy. 

Apparently people sometimes can change their lives.

These doctors know a ton, are curious and explore, and I hear their best protocol and plan but the nagging voice in my head also hears that there is more to know.

I have tried not to be too rigid in thinking about life.  I have tried to embrace all different expressions of ideas.  I have tried to experience what I have not known.

We still have explorations while we are here but most point to a wait and see approach.  An approach in which I accept but rebel.

The past two years have been filled with emotions.  With unknown intuitions and persistence.  With friends and love.  With thoughts magnanimous and those that were not. 

I laugh through the struggles because it holds me closer to those whom I love and keeps my heart more in touch with joy than wallowing in the weeds.  The weeds often have appeal but I don't want to be there.  

Flying out on New Year's Eve

otherwise known as mom's birthday

hot tub boy

bit of temp adjustment

brothers and friends

more Dr. who

My conviction is not in the weeds. 

Home again!

Dell and Kate

Houlder  & some infra-screen

After our weekend of reading, exploring a little, Houlder resting, watching movies, and eating, we headed into Monday visiting the Pediatric Pain Rehabilitation Clinic on another campus of Mayo.  During an intake we learned that the three week program basically has a 100% success rate of getting kids with POTS up and going again.  Not at full speed but the intake doctor spoke of Houlder being able to swim again even this summer and for school again.  So, we head back most likely the end of April into May for this program.  Family participates four hours a day and he works 8 hours a day.  Weekends off.  

It is the only facility in the world which does this.

Thank you universe!

After this visit, we headed back to the hotel and hung out for a bit.  Then, we headed for the MRIs.  He was in the tube for about 2 hours getting three different types of images.  

Monday evening we had dinner at Mac's a local's Greek restaurant.  Yummy food and even more yummy milkshakes.  We came back to room and watched Jack and Jill not Adam Sandler's greatest movie but we laughed which is always good.

Tuesday was relatively free  until we met with neurosurgeon and neurologist.  Houlder rode the bike 11 minutes.  He has a very controlled exercise schedule to build his strength without the fall out of over straining his muscles.  I hit the pool and hot tub.  

Neurosurgeon does not recommend surgery at this time which is exactly what we wanted to hear!  Yippee!  The MRI showed us that his cerebral spinal fluid is flowing despite the low hanging cerebral tonsils.  The visit was only five minutes, but it more than answered our questions and showed us what we needed to see.  If the treatment is unsuccessful and he is still suffering with headache and dizziness, then we will revisit this anomaly.

This was Minnesota in March.

The only bummer was that Houlder felt rotten as we left and agitated.  One of nurses in POTS clinic gave him some relaxation CDs to help with the pain.  We headed back to the room and for two hours he listened, seemed to calm down, and settled without sleeping.  Good to know all that swim training is helping him. I used the time to start planning SRA social events for the spring and summer.  Glad to have that time to think and plan.

"I look through a half-opened door into the future full of interest,intriguing beyond my powers to describe."  William Mayo stained glass within hospital

Mayo Clinic

More sculpture which is everywhere around Mayo

When we headed to neurologist, I also used the time to schedule a visit for Frazer.  I am trying to coordinate it when Houlder returns.  For Frazer has recently learned that he has PANDAS to add to his little laundry list.  But, I feel confident getting him here will help guide and heal Frazer.  The neurologist supported the neurosurgeon's view and went over a few other things including the rehab.  He invited Houlder to come visit him when he is back.

When we headed back to room, Houlder still felt rough and wanted to listen to more of the CDs.  The weather was so mild all the the local establishments were putting out chairs and tables and umbrellas.  I wanted to hang outside.  Up he went and down I sat on this sofa in front of the hotel.  I played words with friends, texted friends the good news, talked to William.  A pleasant hour.  If I had only had a beer....

Heritage Gallery at Mayo; a mini museum

Will emailing, "Could this be the trim?"

We had dinner for the 4th time at the best restaurant we have found, Pescara, in our hotel.  The portions are huge, and we have eaten leftovers for lunch.  Last night we shared everything.  We talked.  Houlder eyed the couple next to us as they were over the top.  Of course, he was not subtle and needing a few reining-ins.  We ended the evening looking forward to coming home, talking to Porter, wishing my father-in-law happy birthday, and talking to my mother.  

We saw at least five different grand pianos.  This is one of the main lobbies.  People can play whenever.  Or sing.

We are mostly packed.  We have tons of booklets to bring home and the two binders I had sent in July.  A few treats for my sweet boys whom I missed and many feelings of relief and gratitude.  Friends have continued to support us and offer us such loving words.  They have had my kids over, found niches where they can feel good and be distracted by our absence, and reached out to reassure me.

Fruit ninja while we wait for neurologist.

'this one?"

William again emailing about the trim.

William has been a rock star.  Handling work, renovations, three kids, baseball, feeding, shopping, homeschooling, the dogs, the cats, life.  I am fortunate.  This path is not for the faint of heart, and we trod it.  Together.  Tired.  Trying to laugh.  Managing.  Greying.  But doing it.  These sons of mine are blessed to have such a role model in their dad.  I hope that they know that one day.

Up to pack the bags, have breakfast and head to an airport smaller than Key West's.  

To borrow from Ralph Waldo Emerson

      For each new morning with its light

      For rest and shelter of the night,

      For health and food, for love and friends,

      For everything Thy goodness sends.

Theory into Practice.