There is no such thing as a person whose real self you like every particle of. This is why a world of liking is ultimately a lie. But there is such a thing as a person whose real self you love every particle of. And this is why love is such an existential threat to the techno-consumerist order: it exposes the lie.
This is not to say that love is only about fighting. Love is about bottomless empathy, born out of the heart’s revelation that another person is every bit as real as you are. And this is why love, as I understand it, is always specific. Trying to love all of humanity may be a worthy endeavor, but, in a funny way, it keeps the focus on the self, on the self’s own moral or spiritual well-being. Whereas, to love a specific person, and to identify with his or her struggles and joys as if they were your own, you have to surrender some of your self.
The big risk here, of course, is rejection. We can all handle being disliked now and then, because there’s such an infinitely big pool of potential likers. But to expose your whole self, not just the likable surface, and to have it rejected, can be catastrophically painful. The prospect of pain generally, the pain of loss, of breakup, of death, is what makes it so tempting to avoid love and stay safely in the world of liking.
For article go to: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/29/opinion/29franzen.html?pagewanted=1&_r=2&ref=opinion
It does boil down to the toothpaste tube. Can you live with someone who leaves the lid up? Or drops the laundry next to the basket? Can you dare to be un-liked and ignored? My mother said, "If you didn't love your brother, you would be able to ignore him."
Franzen's article is great. Technology has become sexy and makes us cool. We all want to be liked. We want validation.
Last summer I blogged about trying to teach Dell about the needs and choices humans have according to William Glasser: http://starchamberexperience.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2010-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-05%3A00&updated-max=2011-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-05%3A00&max-results=15
Can we ignore the like button on FB? Can we love someone despite not liking everything they do? Can we accept that we are not always the most loveable critter out there? Can we be honest when we say we are ecumenical in our love of all others?
I believe that we can. Trite may be tired but it is often true. Worn out colloquialisms persist despite red notes in the margins of papers because the comfort of the familiar language envelopes our ideas.
"Through thick and thin."
That defines the Hudgins' family relationship with Collegiate School. Courtesy of Houlder's illness we have seen this community at its best. Wednesday during a meeting with the head of the upper school, Houlder had a conversation which essentially reassured him that he will remain a part of the Collegiate until he graduates -- when and how that looks is open. The courses and plans will unfold as we define Houlder's yet to be diagnosed illness. But, this new guy on the eve of finishing his freshmen year at Collegiate -- I mean the Upper School Head, not Houlder -- got a key piece of what is essential in an community -- letting the individual know that s/he is a part of them.
I wanted to cry because there was someone speaking about Houlder's future with anticipation of the good things that will happen. He was warm. When he asked Houlder how is was feeling about being sick, Houlder explained that he did not like feeling poorly but that he wasn't worried. Houlder shared that I was worrying enough that he did not have to. And this nice newbie laughed and said that is often the case. Not a condemnation of the me but because that is the way it is.
It has been a thick year -- a year in which Houlder decided he wanted to return to Collegiate after starting at Maggie Walker. He called the director of admissions and made it happen, and they could not have been more gracious. They dared to give him another try after he turned away for something new.
That is thick.
But, it has also been a thin year.
And that it Franzen's point.
As we keep treading down these paths trying to solve this mystery, as I keep trying to decipher lab results and figure out other options, and as I keep reviewing what other copies of mri's I need, and as I keep slugging through phone systems trying to get the medical records -- not the summaries but the actual records -- I am reminded of how much I need the folks who are helping me. The doctors and nurses and friends who are offering ideas, childcare, friendship, forgiveness, ideas, and concern. I would enjoy hitting the like button for most of these people. But others lack of helpfulness or anwers can lead to frustration.
I want to figure this out! Really, I want someone else to figure this out!
I am not looking to live Susan Sarandon's role in Lorenzo's Oil.
I just want to throw on a stopwatch and time some swim meets and enjoy a few glasses of wine with friends around the pool.
That's the thick.
The thin is trying not to get angry when it is not happening at the pace in which we need and remain optimistic and grateful yet stotic and determined. Trying to be patient with medical documentation technology that does not seem as advanced as an iphone app. With medications whose side effects are the same as the symptoms. It never ceases to be mind-numbing, but this is the rub Franzen mentions. Do not fear what we don't always know and love. Dare to experience pain.
Just because this is hard, should I hide and not try to help Houlder?
No. Suffering what is not working seems as much of the equation healing from what does.
Maybe that is what parenting is "bottomless empathy."
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